In 2007 we had a miscarriage. I grieved. I cried. Who knew you could do the same with adoption.
That’s what this feels like…but instead of a natural miscarriage, I chose to have this one. I said no to a baby.
Last week we got a referral for a little girl. She will be born next week. We were surprised the birthmom picked us. We were leaning on faith as we knew there were potential problems.
For a week we prayed. I just knew this little girl was ours. We learned as much as we could and planned on meeting the birthmom later in the week.
From the get go my answer was yes. I wanted this baby. No matter what lay ahead. No matter what disabilities she may have. We could face it. She was meant to be a part of our family.
Jeremy insisted we keep praying. He wasn’t sure that this was the wisest move for our family. Were we taking on something we couldn’t handle?
We prayed for wisdom. We talked into all hours of the night. We fasted. We got counsel from close friends. We gathered information from doctors.
Finally we were able to get a full report on the baby. A report far worse than we were prepared for.
I grieved as I began to understand what this news meant for us. We could not say yes. We could not care for this little girl in the way she deserved.
Jeremy told our agency we could not accept the referral, and I wept. Wept for the birthmom who thought we were the perfect family. Wept for the baby and all the struggles that lay ahead. Wept that I would not be that Mom loving her through each trial.
And since that day, at random and unpredictable times, I have wept. One moment I’m totally convinced we made the right decision. The next I’m texting Jeremy asking if we’ve made a mistake.
The fear is almost paralyzing. What will people think of us? If we believe the Gospel then don’t we trust our God is big enough to handle this? What if we never get another referral? Maybe this was our baby, and we’ve just ruined her life and ours.
This is deep stuff. Painful stuff. My journal is full of questions to God. I can’t grasp why He put this into our lives if His plan was for us to say no. Why the heartbreak? It all seems so unnecessary.
So I pray for peace. For my tired heart. For this brave birthmom. For the new family this little girl will enter.
I pray for understanding. To accept Jeremy’s leadership as head of this home. To accept God’s plan as best for our family.
And I pray for grace. Grace that gives us courage to grieve. Grace that gives us faith to accept hard answers. Grace that believes God is good-only good, and that He can be trusted.
*Thank you for the unbelievable support you gave us after my last vague blog post. Your prayers have given me courage to write this one and accept that we will be loved and supported regardless of our choice. We thank God for you.
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”