When you want to scream…

Black Friday. Sitting in this restaurant at the beach. I feel a rush of unexpected thoughts. Angry ones. Thoughts I journal in the parking lot…


“It’s not fair. That’s what I wanted to scream. At the oblivious family with the newborn. It’s not fair that we are still waiting. Not fair that a mother will face a situation where giving up her baby is the most loving choice.

And my mind rolls with a list of unfair things. So much so that I stop eating and ask for a to go box. The injustice swirling in my brain and leaking into my heart is too much.

So I lay it down. Not because I want to. Not because I don’t want to fix it all. But because the burden is too heavy and hurts too much.

I give it to Him. He takes it. Takes me. All broken, confused, and mad. Just like He took my sins “in His own body on the tree.” He takes my burdens now. And reminds me He is only good. Wraps me in His love and promises He sees it all.

He has plans. Maybe grace will let me be part of them. And in His goodness. In His love. I get up, leave the restaurant, and walk out into the winter sun. Yes, He is good.”

Maybe we are numb a little. Maybe we forget some days we are waiting. But we still covet your prayers. For our family. For our future baby. For the birthmom.


4 thoughts on “When you want to scream…

  1. Praying for peace, comfort and wisdom for you as you wait. Advent is a season of expectant waiting and preparation but it sounds as if you are doing more than your fair share! Hang in there and continue to trust in God.

    Hebrews 6:15

  2. When we tell our children to wait, their reaction is much like ours when God tells us to wait. What joy will come to you when His plan is finally revealed! Waiting is hard for all of us. I am still praying that precious child comes home soon.

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