Numb. That’s the word that sums up me in 2014. Sometimes fear can make you choose numbness rather than pain.
I felt myself go numb when we got the referral for Esther. Yes, there was joy beyond words. But there was also fear…what if her birthmom changed her mind. So I chose cautious love until things felt safe.
The numbness grew deeper when the little pink line showed up on that white stick. Jeremy held me-reminded me this was good news. Can we really handle this?
My Aunt died in July. I could barely grieve through the numbness. I questioned why I barely cried. It just hurt too much so I closed more of myself off. I let other parts go numb.
Jeremy’s job changed later in the year. It wasn’t a big change but one nonetheless and watching him wonder and wait, I grew numb.
Things went bad with the renters in our house out of town. There have been bills and court. I sat in that courtroom numb. I balanced the checkbook numb. It was all too much.
Finally, I felt myself go numb as we sold our house here in Durham. The future is bright. This is best for our family. But packing boxes and selling things…numb some more.
All of this hit me out of nowhere the other day. Sure 2014 has held bright spots. For goodness sake, there’s a beautiful little girl sleeping peacefully across the hall. We’ve laughed and made amazing memories this year. The boys are healthy and happy.
But a part of me lies dormant. It’s asleep to true joy. It’s frozen; protecting itself from pain.
I want to throw my hands in the air, worship freely, and breathe deeply of the grace that is always there. I want to really live this abundant life that Christ came to give. I want to live fully alive, fully in love, fully His.
He chips away at my numbness. Not with rules but with Love. I tell Him about my fears and He understands. I lay out all my questions and He listens. He woos me with love. And I feel myself coming alive again. A little at a time. A little every day.
Life doesn’t have to be mundane. It can be miraculous. That’s Who we serve. That’s Who loves us.
I choose to wake up to the beauty that is Christ. I choose to bask in the beauty of His love and grace. In years like 2014 and whatever may be ahead.
“God is faithful, by whom you were called into the fellowship of his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.” (1 Corinthians 1:9)
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” (Romans 15:13)